Suffering...

Yesterday was a hard one for me. Well, technically, the witching hour was yesterday afternoon from 3 pm until 6 pm.

In my mind, I gave up this new diet about 10 times. Thankfully I didn't act on my desires.

I am praying for my mindset to change.

But I am suffering.

I have developed soooo many indulgent habits this summer, which is why I'm 8 pounds heavier than when school ended. Bowls of ice cream before bed, glasses of red wine at night, sleeping in and skipping exercise, eating out all of the time, popcorn and candy at the movies. It's truly psychotic when I actually think about it.

But because of how much I enjoyed these indulgent habits, there is a HUGE part of me that I'm fighting with right now. And it comes down to the fact that I'm feeling resentful and deprived when I have to give something up.

Which is why I reeeaaalllyy need a change in my mindset. I've talked this over with Eric...I WANT to WANT to be a healthy eater. I WANT to WANT to choose healthy, whole foods over sweet, emotionally satisfying foods.

Susan: Hi. My name is Susan, and I'm a carb addict. I've been clean and sober for two days now.
Fellow carb addicts' response: Hi Susan. Keep coming back. It works if you work it.
(Haha...please excuse my 12-step meeting reference.)

One day at a time...

Discipline is remembering what you want. ~ Unknown

Thursday: Cycle 1, Day 3

171.4 pounds

4 am lemon water

5 am coffee with 1 packet purevia and 1 tbsp. organic half and half

5:30 am 34 minutes on treadmill 14 min. @ 3.5 mph, 10 min @ 5.0 mph, 10 min. @ 6.0 mph (34 minutes, 2.653 miles, 397 calories, 64.8 carbs)
this was a hard workout for me...but I feel GREAT that I finished it and pushed myself. My heart rate continues to be elevated even after I am finished. WooT!

6:00 am 8 oz. chiobani plain greek yogurt, 1 tbsp. strawberry preserves, 4 oz. strawberries, 1 packet purevia, 1 tbsp. flax

10 am individual container of breakstone cottage cheese, 10 carrot sticks

12 pm veggie salad (spinach, lettuce, sweet peppers, cucumber, onion, tomato) olive oil and vinegar, 8 oz. red grapes (With my friend, Buff, in mind, I skipped the pseudo chicken and asked for extra sweet peppers! Delishhhhhhhhh)

2 pm mixed nuts...and just a few!

4:30 pm decaf coffee with 1 packet purevia and 1 tbsp. organic half/half

6 pm grilled chicken in greek vinegrette on salad (So yummy. I just reheated the marinated chicken from last night and threw it on top of a salad of mixed greens, spinach, cucs, green peppers, and red onions. I dressed my salad with some of the leftover marinade. Soooo good.)

7 pm 1 cup decaf coffee with 1 packet purevia and 1 tbsp. organic half/half (Honestly...the coffee is getting me through this diet. It takes away psychological cravings. I'm not having any hunger cravings on this 17 Day Diet...only psychological cravings.)

Wednesday: Cycle 1, day 2

172.2 pounds

4:15 am lemon water

5 am coffee with 1 packet purevia and 1 tbsp. organic half and half

5:30 am 20 minutes of leg toning exercises on floor (side leg lifts, inner thigh lifts, butt lifts, sit ups)

7:00 am 8 oz. chiobani plain greek yogurt, 2 tbsp. strawberry preserves, 4 oz. fresh strawberries, 1 packet purevia, 1 tbsp. flax (Yum!!! and this took me forever to eat so it was very filling!)

10 am individual container of Breakstone livactive cottage cheese, 10 carrot sticks

12 pm grilled chicken salad from Subway (spinach, lettuce, sweet peppers, cucumber, onion, tomato, chicken) olive oil and vinegar, 8 oz. red grapes (Very delicious except for the chicken...it wasn't really chicken and I should forgo it next time. My friend Buff would have puked. Oh, and I love, love, love sweet peppers. Finally figured out (thanks to my friend Becky) where to get them in the supermarket.)

2 pm mixed nuts (Nuts are certainly not allowed on the 17 day diet I'm sure, but they are natural, low carb, and get me through the day.

5 pm more mixed nuts, sugar free jello
(Same goes for jello..not a part of the 17 day diet, not natural but a touch of sweetness helps me to manage this diet. It was allowed on Atkins when I tried that, so some of what I'm allowing myself to eat comes from my Atkins low carb days.)

6 pm grilled chicken in greek vinegrette, steamed vegetables (Yummo to the chicken! Nature's promise chicken from Giant cooked in 1 bottle of Newman's Own Greek Vinegrette. Delish!)

7 pm 2 cups decaf coffee with 1 packet purevia and 1 tbsp. organic half/half each (Again, cream is not allowed on 17 day diet, but...I'm allowing myself to have it. 1 carb per tablespoon.

17 Day Diet Trial

Tuesday: Cycle One, Day One

Starting weight 174 pounds

4:15 am 8 oz. water with 1/2 lemon

5 am 8 oz. coffee, 1 tsp. sun crystals, 1 tbsp. half and half

5:30 am 30 minutes swim

7:00 am 2 scrambled eggs, red pear, green tea

10:00 am Breakstone Cottage cheese, green tea

12 pm Grilled chicken on greens, red grapes, mixed nuts

3 pm mixed nuts, lime jello

6 pm 4 oz. chicken, steamed broccoli, red peppers, cauliflower

8 pm 12 oz. decaf coffee with 2 packets Purevia and 2 tbsp. coffee

The 17 Day Diet

17 Day Diet:
1. This won't be a pleasure diet. You've got to stop eating unhealthy crap. You've got to eat vegetables, fruit and lean meat.
2. Keep your portions down, cut your intake of fatty, sugary, salty foods, and move your butt.
3. Anyone can do anything for 17 days.
4. Excess weight is always a sign of nutritional and metabolic imbalance. It's not strictly a question of what types of foods are eaten, and how they are digested, assimilated and metabolized.. If any of these components of good nutrition are compromised, then the body will not be adequately nourished at the cellular level, metabolic function will be impaired and toxins will accumulate.
5. Tubs of ice cream and bags full of chips are not worth shortening your life over. We're already in so much trouble with trans fats, cheap sugars, excess sodium, and unpronounceable additives jazzing up junk food.
6. So if you find yourself saying, "I didn't have time to prepare healthy food," let me ask you this: would you have found time if your life depended on it? Well, it does.
7. You need to eat vegetables if you want to get thin. Vegetables=thin. No vegetables=flabby
8. Having too much fruit can sabotage your diet (pineapple, watermelon, bananas)
9. You can go overboard on carbs, even the good kind, and this can be devastating to your natural metabolic process.

Cycle 1: Accelerate: to promote rapid weight loss by improving digestive health. It helps clear sugar from the blood by boosting fat-burning and discourage fat storage.

Eat unlimited protein. (salmon, tilapia, light tuna, chicken, turkey, ground turkey, eggs (2 egg=1 serving) (4 egg whites=1 serving)
Eat unlimited vegetables. (celery, cucumbers, green beans, green leafy vegetables, mushrooms, onions, spinach, tomatoes, watercress)
Eat up to 2 whole eggs a day. Unlimited egg whites, No more than 4 yolks a week
Eat 2 servings/day of fruit (berries, apples, oranges, peaches, pears, plums, red grapes)No fruit after 2 pm.
Take 3 grams of fish oil supplements daily.
Drink 8 8-oz. glasses of water daily.
Drink 3 cups of green tea a day. (negative water)
No white bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, chocolate, biscuits, sugary desserts, and sweets.
Drink 1-2 cups of coffee a day. (negative water)
No alcohol and sugar
2 servings of Probiotics daily (greek yogurt, kefir, low fat acidophilus milk, Liveactive cottage cheese
1 to 2 tablespoons of healthy fats (olive oil, flaxseed oil)
Exercise at least 17 minutes per day.

Cycle 2: Activate: To reset your metabolism through a strategy that involves increasing and decreasing your caloric consumption to stimulate fat-burning and to help prevent plateaus.

Cycle 3: Achieve: To develop good eating habits through the re-introduction of additional foods and move you closer to your goal weight.

Cycle 4: Arrive (ongoing: To keep you at your goal weight through a program of eating that lets you enjoy your favorite foods on weekends, while eating healthfully during the week.

The 17 Day Diet is based upon lean proteins, fruits, vegetables, and small amounts of grains.

Inspiration Desperately Needed...

and here's what came to me today.

The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.

– Orison Swett Marden

The Biggest Loser

I've been spending the past couple of days watching the latest season of The Biggest Loser, and I must admit, I LOVE the contestants! So far there are only two who have gotten on my nerves...ok 3 (Dan, Don, and Arthur) but I just love the personalities and commitment of soooo many others! I've watched 4 episodes so far and will catch up on more today.

One of the best scenes (that really hit home for me) involved Jennifer from the green team talking with Jillian about how her weight loss journey had been so closely tied to her father. Jillian asked her, "How would it feel if you lost all of your weight and your father didn't." Jennifer said, "I would feel like I let him down!" Jillian pointed right in her face and and stated, "And THAT'S why you're not losing weight." Tears come to my eyes as I'm typing this now, because I can completely relate. I DO believe that my weight struggles are closely connected with my father.

My father is obese. My father has struggled with weight for most of his life, particularly in the last decade. Many of my bad eating habits were learned from my father. Finding comfort and enjoyment from food was learned from my father.

Even when I lose weight, my father will see me eating a dessert and say things to me like, "Oooooo, You're just like me! You can't resist. You've got the Burkhouse gene in you." Or if he sees me making good choices, he'll say things like "C'mon, Sue. You've gotta eat more than that!"

When he says these things to me, it reaffirms my beliefs about myself and it goes right to my heart. I FEEL COMPLETELY BAD ABOUT MYSELF.

He would NEVER say something like this to my sister or brother. Aside from never having struggled with weight, my brother wouldn't care and my sister would put him in his place. (I love her for that.) I am the one he identifies with in this particular area. He's always found a "friend" in me for being the one who will have dessert with him.

Just the other week, Willie and I spent some time with my mom and dad. Our time together lapsed into lunchtime. Now, Dad is having a lot of health problems and desperately needs to lose weight. But the only one who's desperate about it is my mother. So Mom and Dad were suggesting a lot of restaurants in the area where I did NOT want to eat. I had been on a really good path and was at my lowest weight in a long time (164 pounds). So I suggested that we stop and pick up some turkey so we could go back to their house to make sandwiches.

The entire drive to the store and the entire time in the store, my father is talking to me about all of these foods he's been eating and how good they taste. (And these are things that he should NOT be eating.) I was getting so pissed off, because I felt again like the "friend" with whom he was sharing all of his food secrets. I am the one whom he knows can relate to this kind of pleasure. But I didn't say anything to him, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel alone. Classic Sue.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the following public service announcement:

Definition of an Enabler (i.e. Me): An enabler in most definitions is a person who through his or her actions allows someone else to continue destructive behavior. Though the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, he or she is actually making a chronic problem worse.

So back to more of my enabling behavior...

When I say he's talking to me about food, it's more like asking me if I've ever had....such and such. When I say no, he says, "Oh, it's so good."
Have you ever had Watergate Salad from Millers? No. Oh, it's so good.
Have you ever tried the bread pudding at Nells? No. Oh, it's so good.
I finally had to walk away from him in the store just to stop hearing it!

Then when we got home, he asked if he could pour me a soda and I told him that I've just been drinking water. He made a groan (which of course I perceive as he doesn't approve of my healthy choice. I'm surprised he didn't follow his groan with "C'mon, Sue. You can't live like that.")

Interestingly enough, after lunch, after the barrage of food talk that I had just endured, I decide to tell him about a bakery in Hanover that I discovered that has "healthier" choices (if there can be such a thing in a bakery.) His comment to me? "Oh, no. I can't have that." Pardon my french, but...WTF!

I know that part of my weight loss journey involves confronting my father about his perceptions of me being just like him. Or rather, telling him how much it bothers me when he says I'm just like him. But would that insult him? ABSOLUTELY. The thing is, I ASPIRE to be like my father in so many other ways. There's not a man on the planet whom I look up to more than my father. He's my hero. But can your hero also stand in your way??

Did I mention that since that day I gained 5 pounds? Enough said.

I spent yesterday planning, planning, planning. Overusing internet trackers to compare data. And I was down 2 pounds today! I knew I would be..simply for the fact that I drank my water yesterday, exercise, and tracked my food. For me, those are the three key things. Spark People posted a challenge yesterday to give a 6-word summary of success. Those would be my 6-words:
drink water, exercise, and track calories

This morning, I began my day shoveling the 5 inches of snow that came down last night. I CHOSE to shovel despite the fact that my husband has a snow blower. (He thought I was crazy, but he knows me well enough by now to just go with it.) I was looking for an alternative workout that would work my muscles instead of being strictly cardio. So I set a goal for myself to shovel for an hour, and it definitely paid off! Mid 400s calorie burn, an hour of exercise, and I was finished by 6:45 am! Woo Hoo!

Insider fact #1: If I don't get my main workout finished in the morning, I never do it. So it feels so good to be back on track and have two consecutive days of exercise under my belt!

Insider fact #2: This entry was supposed to be just a copy/paste of the article below. But I've spent the last hour typing.

I found this quick snippet on the Weight Watcher's email about gaining weight. It gave me a really good perspective on gaining weight, so I wanted to share.

"Gaining weight is part of the journey, and just like any journey, it doesn’t necessarily follow a linear path from point A to point B. Sometimes you have to stop for gas, sometimes you get off at the wrong exit and need to loop back in order to get back on the road. Your goal is not to go straight through the process without gaining a pound, but rather to aim to lose the majority of the time. Do realize your body might not let go of weight on your schedule. Research proves weight loss is an intricate combination of many factors. So forget about gauging your progress from week-to-week and look at one-month snapshots instead. This simple change in perspective will prevent you from becoming discouraged. or worse, giving up. Stop, take a deep breath, and stay the course."

Stay the course, my friends.