Keeping Up Appearances

Extra weight is a symptom of something that you need to change. So many people lose weight and find themselves still feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, empty, etc.

Last spring I worked hard to lose weight. I went from 178 pounds to 149 pounds. I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I like fitting into my summer clothes. I liked the compliments that I received from others.

But it wasn't about losing the weight. Because now I weigh 176 pounds a year later.

Last night I was thinking about myself as my own best friend. There is no one in this world who knows me better than I know myself. There is no one else who has experienced everything that I have. There is no one else who knows me like I do. No one else who has known happiness, sorrow, shame, joy, emptiness, betrayal, hurt, satisfaction, triumph, etc.

And if I had a friend who never followed through on promises or who kept making excuses, I don't think I'd want to be friends with that person. I'd come to expect excuses from that friend. I'd come to find myself not relying on that friend. I wouldn't want to spend time with that friend. I'd feel let down.
What if that unreliable friend is myself?

I'm all about forgiving. Second chances. Up to a point. But there have been times when I've said enough is enough. And then a friendship has ended.
What if that friendship is my own?

Why is it ok for me to expect more of others than I do of myself?
It's not.
Why is it ok for me to accept excuses and failure from myself more than I do from others?
It's not.
Why is it ok for me to be disappointed in myself and yet continue making the same mistakes?
It's not.

Extra weight is a symptom of an underlying problem. Something I need to change. My underlying problem is my relationship with myself. My underlying problem involves trust, love, forgiveness, self-esteem, hurt, disappointment, stress.
I have been wounded, hurt, rejected, hated, judged, let down...all by myself!

I can't divorce myself. I can end a friendship with myself. I'm stuck with myself. So if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with myself, I need to enjoy my own company. I need to become the person who I want to be.

So if I start talking about myself in the third person, you know where I'm coming from...

Did anyone out there lose 20 pounds?

...Because I think I found it. Ugh.

It is absolutely ridiculous that I am in this place again.
Did I learn nothing last year? It seemed like I was learning. I lost the weight. I analyzed. I changed. I made new habits. And I gained it all back.
Humph.
Sick of it. Just plain sick of it.
Here I go again...