Is that the...sun?

Well, it has certainly been a lllooooonnnggg winter. Today, it's supposed to be sunny and in the 70's. Can I truly allow myself to believe that it's over? I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with rain and cold. I literally think to myself, "I can't take this anymore." And so now, the sun is shining, and I am a happy girl.

I've been home with my son for the past two days. Poor thing. He's sick with a stomach virus. I was talking to a friend yesterday about how your strength and tolerance changes when you become a parent. He was saying that his stomach gets so queasy that if someone gets sick, he'd start puking right alongside them! I used to be that way. And now...not so much.

On Wednesday night, I heard a strange sound coming from my son's stomach. In the time it took for me to ask, "Willie, are you ok?" Bleeech. All over my pillow and all over me. I wasn't even phased. I sat up, grabbed the trash can, and rubbed his back while he finished. Meanwhile, my husband turns on the light and starts laughing at me...covered in puke.

Um, do you think you could grab me a TOWEL or something?????

So I threw in a load of laundry at 2:30 am, we all switched over to Willie's bed, and went back to sleep. Well, they went back to sleep. I layed in bed for an hour waiting to see if he'd get sick again. So at 3:30 am, I got up and went to the basement to throw the sheets in the dryer and put the next load on. I climbed back in bed and the next thing I knew, my alarm was going off for me to get up and go swimming.

Uh, no. Not today.

I slept until 6:30 am and woke my husband up for work. Thank God for internal alarm clocks.

I spent yesterday sitting on my arse....working on an IEP from home. My bottom was numb by the afternoon! Then I finally got up and started moving around. Willie spent the day watching movies from the couch and napping. He's still not feeling better....he got sick again last night on his bed. So it was down to the washing machine again! I'm so hopeful that he turns a corner today.

Yesterday was the first day I haven't exercised since the last Tuesday in February. I actually think that's a good thing, because I was becoming a bit obsessed. I gave myself permission to take the day off and followed through with it. It was really good for my body to take a break. I needed it. And I was still down a pound this morning. 156 pounds.

My next event is the Frederick Running Festival with Melissa, Kara, and Laura on May 3. We are running the marathon on a relay team. I'll need to run 6 or 7 miles for my part. I'm excited to do this, and I've been working hard on the treadmill to be prepared for it.

Oh! I almost forgot! I wanted to share a HUGE milestone with you. Since I started swimming again, I've really been struggling with swimming the freestyle for a long distance. I am a 3-stroke swimmer, so I alternate breathing to my right and left side, which theoretically gives me ample oxygen during my workout. But I could only go up and back (50 m) before I'd have to stop and rest at the wall, gasping for breath.

So most of my workouts have consisted of interval training. 50 meter breaststroke, 50 meter freestyle or 25 meter breaststroke, 25 meter freestyle. Then I gradually worked up to swimming 100 meters using freestyle, but that was about all I could handle before I was GASPING to catch my breath.

I even Googled "breathing techniques" to try to fix what I was doing wrong. I learned that the breath to the side cannot be used for both exhale and inhale of air....it's not enough time to get a good breath. My problem was that I was concentrating on going fast that I held my breath while I swam until it was time for my next breath that I was just grabbing for air instead of taking a deeper breath.

So last Monday, I decided that I was ready for my next swimming challenge. I decided to slow down (I was swimming 50 meters in 55 sec--Which is considered a moderate pace, but it sure felt vigorous to me!) and concentrate on my breathing.

On Monday, I swam 5 breastroke, 5 freestyle, 5 sidestroke, 5 backstroke (OK!)
On Tuesday, I swam 5 breastroke, 5 freestyle, 5 breastroke, 7 freestyle (Here we go!)
On Wednesday, I swam 5 breastroke, 5 freestyle, 5 breastroke, 10 freestyle (You're doing it!)
Off on Thursday
Tody I swam 5 breastroke, 5 freestyle, 5 breastroke, 15 freestyle (Woot! Woot!)

I cannot tell you how ecstatic I feel, and I am so very proud of myself. I actually believe that I may be able to work up to swimming freestyle for the entire 1/2 mile swim in the Pinchot Sprint Triathlon in June. I NEVER thought that would happen. And I mean NEVER. I had convinced myself that I was a sprint swimmer and would NEVER be able to swim longer distances.

Never say Never.

The most important thing...

Live your best life...

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread.
Give back your heart to itself,
to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another,
who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit.
Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott, from Collected Poems 1948-1984

Image from http://http://wunderbarart.com/category/uncategorized/

Authentic Play. (Warning: Poopie talk ahead)

In education, culminating activities are deemed most effective when they relate to real life. Teachers are encouraged to create projects that mirror an authentic experience that the students may encounter outside of the classroom. In that way, the activities become more meaningful, which impacts learning positively.

With that being said...

Yesterday, my son, who is 3 1/2 years old, wanted to play with playdough. We spread out the mat (which they now provide so it doesn't get all over your carpet), and he arranged the various tools that came with the kit. Some of the tools had been kept in a little plastic baggie, so he dumped them out onto the mat too. Then he decided just what to do with the playdough...

Make poo.

I was on the computer at the time, and just watching him peripherally, until he asked me to help him make the poo. So I went down on the floor with him and helped him to push the playdough through the tool, so that it came out of the tube like a long piece of, you guessed it, poo.

Then I watch my son, pick up the plastic bag, put it over his hand, pick up the poo, turn the baggie inside out, and seal it.

This is EXACTLY how my husband and I pick up Max's poo from the yard!

What a proud moment for me! He has been watching us clean up after Max for three weeks now. When he saw the plastic bag among his tools, he connected it to cleaning up the yard. He had the idea to make poo with his playdough, and then used the plastic bag to mimic cleaning up Max's poo.

It was truly one of those moments when I just looked at my son in awe....

And all because of some playdough poo.

If you are what you eat, then I'm a 100 calorie pack of Oreo Cakesters.

I did it!

I cannot believe how much I have changed in the past 10 weeks. After being stuck for over a year at over 170 lbs, I am finally within reach of my "ideal" weight.

Open yourself to change, and it will transform you.

I stepped on the scale at the Y yesterday morning before my swim, and it balanced at 157 pounds.

157 pounds!

When I weighed in at school, clothed, the scale read 158 pounds. So overall, I began this challenge weighing in at 175 pounds and have lost 17 pounds in the challenge.

Stick to your goals, and your body will trust you again.

So I am within 7 pounds of my overall goal. I may lose more through exercise and training, but once I hit 150 pounds, I'm going to adjust my calorie goal on The Daily Plate to maintain my weight. I do not have a history of successfully maintaining weight, so I'm hopeful that my habit of tracking my food intake and exercise on the website will teach me how to do that. That will be my next challenge.

I was able to exercise every day for the month of March. I crossed out each day on the calendar after I exercised, and I have 31 pink slashes smiling back at me. My new routines: Monday through Friday I wake up at 4:30 am and go swimming for 30 minutes at the Y. Two days a week, I try to use weight machines for strength training. On Saturday and Sunday, I do interval training on my treadmill for an hour each day. Last weekend, I burned over 700 calories each day! That's over half of my calorie allotment for the day! But doing that helps me to continue to meet my goal, because we do like to eat out on the weekends. I also do Hip Hop Abs with my friends at school two days a week (as my schedule allows). I REALLY want to try Turbo Jam, and someone at school has that for me to borrow. The only thing that I need to add is bicycle training for my first triathlon in June, and I need to buy a bike.

So...that's my progress report! I prayed for a difference. I prayed for a change.

My prayers were answered.

And the winner is...

This morning I ran my first 5K of the season. I actually felt a little nervous when I woke up at 5:30 am, but I wasn't quite sure why. Maybe it was because it has been a little while since my last official public run (October) But my hubby and son and puppy came along to cheer me on, so I was really psyched.

I met my sister and her friend, Kara, in Hampstead at 7:30 am. My parents were also there to cheer us on. I was really glad to see them! Before I knew it, it was time to get ready for the run. We worked our way up to the front of the pack and the race began!

Willie started running down the road after me. He told Pip (my mom), "I'm going to catch Mommy." One day, he'll be running right alongside me!

I ran the race in 30 minutes, 42 seconds, but even more important, I felt really good despite my muscles not being warmed up. (My legs literally felt frozen as I was running.) The last part of the race was on an incline, but I finished the race really strong. I love seeing the finish line and feeling that final burst of energy to get there as fast as I can! Laura finished just behind me. Kara finished way ahead of me. We were all really happy with how we did! Kara and Laura are going to try to do a triathlon with me this summer. I just need to find one where the swim is completed in a pool...They are not up for swimming in a lake.

Can't say I blame them...

We stood around after the race talking and then I suddenly got so cold!! We made our way back to the car, and I bah-lasted the heat as I ate two pretzel rods. After a hot shower at home, I felt so much better!

Last night I planned out the races that I'd like to do this summer. The cumulative event will be in October with my first half marathon. Up until then, I plan to compete regularly in 5Ks and triathlons (regularly=1 to 2 per month).

I feel really good about my fitness level. (I'm exercising every day.)
I feel really great about my continued weight loss. (I'm down to 163 pounds!! Woot! Woot!)
I feel really hopful about this upcoming race season. (God willing, my body continues to hold up and perform for me.)

And finally, a very special happy birthday wish to my sister-in-law, Mendy! I wish I was there to celebrate, but your gift will be sent in the mail. Thanks for being such a wonderful friend to me. I love you a lot!!!

I'm Ba-a-a-a-a-ck!

How was that for an extended leave? Over a month and a half? What could have possibly kept me from journaling on my blog?

It's actually been a really good month and a half. Full of ups, downs, and LOTS of self-reflection, but I'm definitely on the upswing right now.

I was really struggling with my weight. Now, by struggling, I mean that I wasn't making forward progress. My weight was going back and forth between 170 and 175. I'd lose a couple of pounds, then relax my resolve and gain a couple of pounds.

Of course, I've been in complete denial for about a year that my stagnant weight could be my fault. I'd say things like, "I just can't understand this! I work my arse off and I can't break that 170 on the scale!"

Oh poor me.

So I scheduled a doctor's appointment. I wanted to get a physical to rule out any problems that could be interfering with my progress. During the exam, my new doctor decided that she would like to check my thyroid and sugar levels. Sounded good to me! Then I asked her if years of yo-yo dieting could be messing with my progress. And then she said, "Absolutely. Yo-you dieting messes with your metabolism."

And the bloodwork came back a few days later, and my thyroid and sugars were fine. I finally had to accept that I am the one getting in the way of my success. But how? But why?

I did a lot of soul searching. And then I had an epiphany.

My body doesn't trust me.

During high school, an active life with basketball and track helped me to manage my weight. While I remember feeling bigger than the other girls, in reality, I was at a healthy weight and I was in good shape. (I think the body dismorphia that I suffered from stemmed from being a tall...I was always taller than my classmates, so I just felt big. Not tall, just big.)

Then came college. Again, I played basketball for three of the four years, which helped me to manage my weight. The one year that I didn't play basketball, I experienced my first true, noticeable weight loss and weight gain. The weight loss came after my first heartbreak.
I did not deal well with heartbreak. And thus I developed a love/hate relationship with food. I turned to food for comfort. And I've been self-medicating ever since.

When I returned to school, I took a break from basketball and decided to be a resident assistant instead. I didn't replace my basketball activity with any exercise, and by the spring of my junior year, I had gained weight. I don't remember exactly how much, but it was noticeable in pictures, particularly in my face. Being tall, it is easy for me to carry extra weight without others noticing, but once it starts to show up in pictures, it's probably about 20 pounds.

So in the spring of my junior year, I decided that I wanted to play basketball again. for my senior year. I talked to my coach, and she welcomed me back with the premise that I lose weight. This was the first time that somebody told me that I needed to lose weight. And so my journey began.
I remember getting on the scale for her (I guess before I went home for the summer) and the scale said 142. That was good enough for her, so I was told that I could play my senior year. That summer, I worked at a summer camp for kids as a lifeguard, but I don't remember working out as much as I had the summer before. I'm sure I did, but I just can't remember.

Then post college-I became a smoker. I went from a healthy athlete to a smoker. I smoked for about ten years total.

And I loved every minute of it.

If it wasn't for the offensive smell and social stigma and health ramifications and having a son, I would still be a smoker today. I would be smoking right now as I'm typing this. Why you ask? (Of course you'd only be asking why if you weren't a smoker, but then good for you!) Appetite suppresant, calming effect, stimulant (i.e. metabolism booster) smoking post meal (when I ate too much) and then that feeling of waiting too long for a cigarette and then finally taking that first puff and the feeling of relief that ensues. Yes, it's a drug, which by nature means it's addictive, and I was addicted. For me it was a psychological addiction. I self-medicated with cigarettes.

I finally quit in the winter of 2004... Right before I got pregnant with my first son. This was an intentional quit. I was ready to have a child. I wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to be a smoker..

And I am fully aware, that I can NEVER have another cigarette in my life. Or I will be a full blown smoker again. It was hard enough to quit the twice (which means one of my attempts back in 2002 failed after a year of not smoking), so I don't want to go through that again.

I lost a lot of weight again in 1996 and kept it off until my first attempt at quitting in 2002. In the spring of 2003, I tried Weight Watchers and lost a good bit of weight. Actually I think I was the skinniest I had ever been (without having my heart broken.) Then that summer, I switched over to Atkins and got even skinnier. I relaxed my resolve the following year and steadily gained all of the weight back. Just before I got pregnant in the fall of 2004, I joined the Y and started swimming. Of course, I had started smoking again in the spring of 2004, so the weight came off very easily.

I got pregnant in January of 2005 and gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy. I lost the weight by the spring of 2006 with the help of phentermine, but then that summer my weight steadily started coming back. My weight has gone up and down and up and down since then.

My body doesn't trust me.

I have told myself time and time again: "This is it. I'm going to eat healthy. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to lose weight. I'm doing it this time."

And then a few weeks...or days...later, I'd be right back into the same eating patterns.

My body doesn't trust me.

And so the last three weeks, I've really been working on gaining my own trust back., just as I would need to do with a friend, colleague, loved one. Every time I feel like I can skip exercise, I remind myself that I need to gain my trust back. It has totally worked! And it makes complete sense to me.

If we have someone in our lives who keeps telling us lies, it doesn't take long before we stop believing them.

I don't blame my body for not trusting me. I've given it plenty of reasons. But who else is going to take care of me? I'm responsible for myself. I need to love myself, trust myself, care for myself, and respect myself.

Oh boy, here she goes again. What's it this time? No carb? Counting calories? Weight Watchers? Exercise? No worries. By the weekend I'll be back to swimming in calories and fat and grease and sugar.

And now I am determined to repair this destructive relationship with myself. I will gain my trust back and prove to my body that I can be trusted to take care of it. A lot of damage has been done, and I'm taking it one day at a time.

It has been three weeks now. I have lost 10 pounds. I weigh 165 pounds.

I am tracking my food intake daily on The Daily Plate.com. I am exercising daily.

I have prayed for change. I have prayed for a difference this time.

Change is on the way. I am making a difference. I am repairing this damaged relationship.